Photo by Annie Liu

Giving life to the inanimate is an interesting concept. Give it a face, give it a personality, and there you have a living inanimate object.

There are countless factors when it comes to determining what constitutes a perfect snowman: lifespan, size and aesthetic. To perfect this process, I referred to my boundless imagination and intellect and narrowed it down to three steps. 

#1: Find the perfect snow

In order to give your snowman the best shot at life, the material it’s made of must be of the utmost quality. Locate the nearest supply of fresh white snow and examine its purity. Then use a tweezer and pick out every bit of detritus until it emits holy light. Next, track down the nearest team of MIT scientists (even if it takes traveling across the United States) and instruct them to provide an adequate amount of laser-cooled sodium potassium molecules — the coldest substance on Earth. Mix this into the snow to create the perfect mixture. Congrats, now your snowman will be immortal. How else will you defeat your snowman’s mortal enemy: melting?

#2: Build the snowman

To make your snowman most pleasing to the eye and durable, have it follow the golden ratio: (1+√5)/2, or approximately 1.618. The lower ball should have a diameter of eight feet, the middle ball a diameter of five feet, and the head a diameter of three. To ensure each ball is perfectly round, use a protractor and venture into 4D to carve out a flawless sphere. 

After obtaining each snowball, lay a layer of Gorilla Max Strength Construction Adhesive — yes, it must be the exact brand — between each one for maximum support. You don’t want your snowman to be shoved around like the weakest (snow)man on the block, do you? 

Finally, contact the Robotics Team and kindly ask them to make two robotic claws suitable for attaching to your snowman. You are obligated to guarantee your snowman the luxury of motor movement and the best quality of life. 

Or face the consequences of getting on Santa’s naughty list for abusing your creation.

#3: Accessorize it 

The face is what makes or breaks a (snow)man. All we need is eyes. Search around your yard for two large rocks and coat them in generous layers of Vantablack until they could be mistaken for black holes. Now, every passerby will be lost in your snowman’s eyes; as they gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes back into them. Soon, your yard will be filled with fans and worshippers. 

It is easy for your snowman to be lost in winter’s endless field of white. Clothe it in luxury brands — preferably Gucci or Louis Vuitton to differentiate it from the other ragged nude snowmen. Which lowlife thought three buttons and a red scarf was enough? 

This guide is essential for any snowman-maker-to-be. Next time you visit anywhere with an abundance of snow, make sure to carefully follow every step I’ve given. Assert your dominance in the competitive field of snowman-making.