Fires and blackouts caused by PG&E are what I’m most grateful for this year

This is a note of heartfelt gratitude to the good people of the Pacific Gas and Electric Company for shutting off the power to hundreds of thousands of people in the Bay Area three times this past month with little rhyme or reason. 

Look, I get it and even kind of appreciate that you’re trying to protect us from fires by stopping electricity from flowing through YOUR faulty infrastructure. (That is why you’re bankrupt now, isn’t it?) But make it make sense. 

If my house has no power, then the place three houses down should also have no power. I should not have to finish math homework by lantern light like a Pilgrim while I watch my neighbors next door host an appetizers-only dinner party where people eat cubes of cheese off of sticks. 

Tell me again how cutting the power of half the houses on a street while leaving the other half on prevents fires. If running electricity near mountainous regions really is a fire hazard, maybe consider fixing your power lines or selling them to city governments to repair themselves. Maybe then you’ll stop accidentally setting parts of Northern California on fire each fall. 

Because as much as I love it when private companies monopolize an essential utility without any accountability, it just might be time to admit defeat, PG&E. 

Still, I have to extend my sincerest thanks to your corporation for providing a sense of adventure in my life that I have never experienced before. 

The rush of adrenaline I get when my power suddenly shuts off and I’m halfway done with my English Socratic seminar prep that’s due the next day is unparalleled to any other thrill I have felt. 

And luckily, washing my hair in ice cold water means that I’ll catch a cold bad enough to warrant a sick day from school, giving me ample time to catch up on my schoolwork! (AKA, spend six hours rewatching “Gossip Girl”). 

Plus, having no Wi-Fi humbles me: Being forced to leave the comfort of my own home for the nearest fly-infested cafe with low bandwidth really provides me with character-developing insights into the tough, tough life of the modern American teen. 

Oh, and that whole setting California on fire thing? If anything, you’ve made my decision easier: In the future, I will not be raising my family in the United States. 

And I get to experience all of this joy and personal growth in my life because of you, PG&E. So thank you. Because you represent what the holidays really are all about — weekends spent around the dining room table ranting angrily about corrupt corporations, useless politicians and humanity’s inevitable demise via climate change. All as we citizens sit in the dark. Literally.