Falcon tips: How to be goth

Goth Look: black clothes, hair over eyes, skinny jeans

Would you like to be seen as an overly emotional sop who wears his heart quite literally on his sleeve? Here are some loose guidelines to help.

Express a burning hatred of “Twilight” and all other modern romanticized vampire fiction, because you think its fans are weak-hearted sissies who can’t stand real blood. At least that’s one thing you have in common with the rest of the world. Other things you should claim hatred of include daylight, happiness and innocent baby animals.

Your favorite color should be black, because it is the color of death and your cold, cold heart. Thus, only wear black. Do not wear any other colors, ever. This is similar to how little girls like to dress themselves in pink from head to toe, except you’re an angst-ridden teenager who thinks it’s cute to do the same with black. (It’s not.)

Another key physical characteristics of gothdom is pale, pasty skin. To achieve this skin tone naturally, hide in a basement for several months. Do not allow yourself to be exposed to sunlight for more than five minutes at a time. If you want to do an outdoor sport, you shouldn’t even be reading this, but you can always try taking a bath in white paint every morning. Your call.

Eyeliner is your new best friend, regardless of gender. The desired effect is to make you look like a raccoon who hasn’t slept in over a year and then got punched in both eyes. Stock up on red lipstick as well. Try to make it look like you just soaked your lips in blood. Or that you’re a clown with bad aim. One of the two.

Now, piercings. Pierce your nose, lip, tongue, brow, or some combination of the four. Don’t limit yourself to facial piercings, though—any legal area of your body should be pierced to add to your masochistic persona.

Goth music is one of the most significant identifiers that separates the clique from the rest of society. It’s also one of the easiest steps to becoming goth: find the most dark, angry, maudlin music you can and store it all in your music player. Refuse to listen to anything remotely happy or uplifting. Wallow in self-pity and make deep connections between the sad lyrics of the music and your own life, even if you’re the one intentionally making your life a pathetic mess by becoming goth. Oh, irony.

Common hobbies and interests among the goth community include pyromania, sadism and writing bad poetry. The first two are not condoned in any way (nor are they legal), so try to focus more on emo poetry. It is not rocket science. Write bitter musings about how much you hate everything, and assume a preachy yet depressed tone that attempts to make you sound like a troubled intellectual but instead sends you straight into pariahdom. Use blood as a metaphor for everything. Your diet should consist of fear, misery and the crushed hopes and dreams of your peers.

These are some general suggestions for how to become goth, but remember: If you start off as a chipper, cheerful individual, you’ll be deemed a poser if you descend into full gothdom too quickly. Just try not to offend your relatives too badly—if Grandma Jane nearly goes into cardiac arrest after seeing you, you know you’ve gone too far.