Cut the toxicity: Parents need to stop competing with their kids’ academic accolades

Photo by Annie Liu

“Oh, your child isn’t taking double sciences or APUSH this year? Well, my child is taking seven APs this year, competing in various STEM competitions, enrolling in courses at West Valley and working on their non-profit.”

While this comment may seem like an animated exaggeration of a conversation between Saratoga parents, the sentiment in the exchange echoes messages sent by dozens of parents in various SHS parent groups — everything is a form of competition.

With many parents looking to elevate their child onto a pedestal of academic success and validation, a conversation in a WeChat group that starts off as a few helpful comments and anecdotes can quickly become a bragging session that inadvertently leads to other parents to question their own child’s efforts and ambition to handle academic rigor.

It’s no wonder scores of students complain about their declining mental health and seek counseling in places like CASSY.

Understandably, many parents want to see their child succeed. In Saratoga,  that often correlates to being accepted into a prestigious university like Stanford, MIT or Princeton. Saying that some are merely “pushing” their children to go above and beyond, however, is a clear understatement.

The increasing number of students enrolling in every AP and honors class available, whether they are interested in the subject or not, has gotten to the point where taking a “regular” class can be considered shameful. This, in turn, leads to academic stress and what feels like impossibly high expectations for many students, exacerbating stress already felt from peers.

Obviously, if it is the student’s own desire to take an advanced class, it is a completely different story. But, let’s be real. Who actually wants to take every single AP course CollegeBoard offers purely for their own enjoyment?

Many online parent groups require members to state their child’s expected graduation year, and the amount of class of 2030+ parents joining chats and constantly chiding in with their opinions on classes is ridiculous. Class of 2037 parents — please, let your 3-year-old enjoy preschool and at least get through the fifth grade before you launch them into various AP test prep classes.

While gossip about which courses and competitions certain SHS alums have partaken in to win the lottery of the college admissions process may seem eye-opening, the reality is that there is no special formula of 16 APs, 20 extracurriculars and $10,000 summer programs that get students into prestigious universities.

According to BBC, one of the primary reasons for competitive parenting is that parents feel their children’s actions are a “direct reflection of how well they are doing as a parent,” with many parents’ competitive tendencies stemming from their own insecurities.

Parents boasting about their child’s accomplishments completely ignore how it affects both their children and other students. Their own children would likely be incredibly uncomfortable if they discovered their name and Linkedin page being tossed around parents groups as a guideline for success in college admissions.

My advice to parents: Embrace your child’s passions and strengths rather than attempting to mold them into something they’re not. Forget about impressing other parents on social media or at parties and let them grow into the young adults they want to be.

For most students, completing everyday coursework, activities and maintaining their mental health is stressful enough. The added pressure of constantly being compared to their peers is unnecessary and unhealthy. It’s time for it to end.